beyond the door, there's peace.. i'm sure..

a song dedicated to uncle choon who we called 'choon ku leh' in hainanese..

out of suddenly, received news that he is rest in peace in the midnight. really so sudden until i cry no tears. could not be back to accompany him for the last journey, i can only here praying and hoping that he can be happily in heaven with grandma..



Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven


Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace, I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven

La Blanca Navidad

Here's dedicated a song wishing you all a peaceful & warm x'mas...

white christmas presented by my fav group -- il divo...
click the play button now :)

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know

Where the treetops glisten
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write

May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white.

Oh, blanca navidad, sueño
y con la nieve alrededor

blanca es mi quimera
y es mensajera
de paz, y de puro amor

Oh, blanca navidad, nieve
una esperanza y un cantar
recordar tu infancia podrás
al llegar la blanca navidad.

這個冬天特別冷

多少個年頭沒回家過冬了? 多久沒吃到 自家搓的湯圓了? 多久沒聞到溢滿整屋那未煮成湯圓的麵粉味了? 究竟有多久了? 我都忘了.

放工後到Jusco打算買麵粉回家,準備搓湯圓,給她們驚喜的,結果計畫失敗,因為媽媽說今年不可以搓湯圓. 是啊,都沒團圓,還搓甚麼湯圓!

曾經的那些年,逢過年過節, 我們家一定是最熱鬧的. 雖然心疼媽媽必須在天還未亮就得 開始忙碌, 可是那些日子比較像'家'. 除非不在本地, 不然大家一定會就在我們家一起吃晚餐,然後閒話家常. 不知從甚麼時候開始, 也許是多了那麼些成員, 也許發生了些事, '大日子'不再那麼'大', 睡醒的時候不再看到阿公在處理雞, 晚餐也不是大家一起吃了, 一切都變了.

後來的後來, 除夕夜的團圓飯也都不齊人了... 然後, 阿公離開了... 再然後, 阿嬤也去陪阿公了...

我在想, 以後, 那種溫馨熱鬧的場景還會出現在這個'家'嗎?

這個冬天特別冷!

冷的不是天氣, 而是心.

以為不是出生在富貴門就不會遇上那種爭財產事件,原來, 沒有甚麼可觀數字的財產可以爭, 還是有那麼些東西和意見可以吵. 本是同根生, 相煎何太急!

心寒 + i.N.G

talk abt my W

quite negative recently.

It had been half year i work in this company. However, i lost my passion here after 2 months! what's the big difference compare with my previous company?!

now only i understand what my ex-boss said. 'culture' is very important in a company. most of the time, i enjoyed the culture & environment of my previous company. i love my job! i love the 2 bosses, i love my manager, i love my colleagues, i love to be a part of the family!!
here, in this new company, eventhough it is a listed company, but it is just a company and i'm just one of the staffs. this is the culture here.

that time when  my ggm told me her plan, i really so excited and thought the changes will come soon. everything will turn better. However, it has been months and i still could not see/heard any of the news.
understand that it will take some time. know that this is not a decision can made easily. i just wonder if this plan is still on.

sometimes, when i notice something which should not be, or something which suppose to be better, i really wanted to help and sometimes i did try to help. with my post, it's not so easy for me to help up even when i tried my best. i really hope someone with more power is here to stop/prevent those unwanted things to happen, or here to solve the problems.

if i'm going to leave, or if i'm going to stay until i finish my study, should i say out what is in my mind? should i share my opinions? should i?

i'm here for half year, saw lots of things happened, i realize something, and i lost my passion.
i really hope that i can re-find my passion here. i really hope that i can survive here. i really do.

long time no see

it had been quite some time I did not update my bloggie here.

for months, I experienced lots of things. I had been forced to face something I never want to face. there’s nightmare!

we planned for a family gathering at KL since my 2nd elder sister going to Holland. thought it would be a happy & warm moment since we did not have chance to gather after CNY. however, the reality is so cruel that once sister & parent stepped on the land of KL. it was a war between my sisters!

next, when everything become better on the next day, when we had our lunch, there’s a call from BM that made us worry. I thought that it was just a small incident since they always like to call and disturb especially when dad & mum are outside.

I could hardly believe when Peng told me that grandma stopped breathing. there’s no tears drop from my eyes. I only started to panic when uncle brought the bad news to eldest sister. I told eldest sister that I want my 2 little cousins to come back from taiwan because they grow up with us & they really ‘sek’ (sayang in Cantonese) my grandma so much. my tears only dropped off when eldest sister talked with the elder cousin in the phone. We ask them to check the flight tickets by themselves and we only provide our credit card info to them once they confirm.

then, we had to arrange our transport back to BM. called to hire a van to send us back because the whole family was here and we could not fixed in sister’s coupe. before depart, ah girl was sent to its new place where it can get more freedom to run and play if compare with our small little kitchen.

reach BM around 12am. Grandma was still lying on the bed. Again, tears dropped.

I guess, dad could not accept the truth that grandma left us. this is a 遗憾 because could not be at her side when she left. 1st time, I saw dad act like that.

(gosh! stop blurring my vision, tears!)

I know that we should not cry because grandma left peacefully without suffering so much. I know that we could not ask more from the god since grandma aged 100. but, I’m an aquarius! I could not control the tears!

(sorry, I have to stop here eventhough I have yet to finish all what I want to say.. the tears keep slipping out and block my vision.. to be continue..)

A display of the people’s spirit

A display of the people’s spirit

when the tears gonna drop

i tell myself that i'm an aquarius gal.. aquarius gal can cry easily.. so i no need to hold my tears..
i tell myself that even i tears, it doesn't mean that i am weak.. even if i'm really weak, i cannot just let it be..
i have to pursue myself.. to act strong.. because nobody that i can depend on, except my own self..
people around me will leave me one day.. even if they won't.. it doesn't mean that i can trouble them..
i don't want to be a troublemaker.. but i always be.. guilty..
just leave me alone.. let me bear everything on myself.. until i cant breath and just let me go to the hell..
be a devil.. with no tears.. with a strong & cruel characteristic.. stop being bullied (even by the god).. and change my world..

then.. the tears which gonna drop just now.. dried..

good news from dearie

not yet update much news, but what i know is the AUGUST!!
yeah! cant wait for August to come.. so that i have a new heaven with my lovely yul..

all these while, starbucks is a heaven for me to 'hide' when i face any problems.. a place for me to release my tension, to kick away the sad, to give me the feel of peace, warm and turn my mood to be good..

and soon, there will be another heaven for me.. not alone anymore.. but with my lovely yul..
i really cant wait for it..

oh my god!! i now start dreaming about it..
in my imagination.. another heaven of mine..

so good!!! ^o^

swith my good mood ON

in the heaven now..

this is my second time here within 24 hours..
and seriously, this is a good place for me to relax..

my good mood is now turned on..
and i'm SS + i.N.G with the webcam..

爱哭的水瓶座

 水瓶女

       外表温和甜美，内心层次丰富纵深。走进她内心的路途正如花瓶形态，于瓶颈至瓶腔的过渡中过滤稀疏。那段漫长的路，若不能瞬间点亮她瓶心的花火（比如瞬间秒 杀她的男人；或一个深深撼动她灵魂的时刻），那必定会走得艰辛无比。情商演技炉火纯青，爱憎貌似模糊，实则丝丝分明。感情野史复杂，真爱线索简单（即主线 明朗，分支驳杂）。对不爱的男人有非凡的掌控力，对爱的男人有惊人的忍耐力。爱一个人，也会爱上那份因他而生的想象（想象力惊人而可爱）。会为爱的男人洗 手做羹汤（并无谓对方身份条件），也会因情变而冷酷决绝（心凉至死不再回头。幻想破灭之前仍会回头）。想得开，放不下。追求平和中带激情的自由生活，精神 世界一空乏就变成岸上的鱼（会因为懒或纠结而自暴自弃窒息一阵），但总会再循路回到海中。偶尔为填补空虚或奇怪的理由而做荒唐的事，习惯在自虐中疗伤与重 生。气质多变，性格棱面多，在每个朋友眼里都是不同的她，但都很喜欢她。 眼神灵气，偶有欲迎还推的暧昧感。有时淘气任性有时懂事知性（随心情及对象变化），多有异想天开念头，对待爱情有些小作（内心不安感促使），需反复确认 （愿意相信但不易信任）。对认定的事情倔强死不悔改（忠于精神追求），拥有强大而细腻的感受力和理解力，看人待事一针见血（出言偶尔会无意伤人而不自 知)。清高的人看她觉得清高，亲切的人看她觉得她邻家小妹（其实怎样的人就看出怎样的结果，自己的想法会先入为主）。

  理智清醒，选择了多金厚道的男人结婚（但并不奢求男人专一，看得清也看得开），生活因物质安全而更显安全，爱情（不一定爱，尚且把这叫感情）因男人厚道也 更显安全。从年轻时的缥缈幻想，到结婚时的成熟实惠，她终于实现了曾用青春追寻的安全感，妥当着陆。

总 结：水瓶女大都捉摸不透，时而天真时而老成，真实情绪会与表情相反（习惯隐藏和颠倒）。她表现得相信你，和你说很多，而你于她或许只是陌生人。瓶女爱上 一个人会全心付出，耗尽智慧（虽然这时智慧稍稍失准），母性，温柔，野性（占有欲暗自强烈），耐性。而受伤之后也不会真正痛恨对方（有些甚至享受痛的滋 味，暴烈地成长），前期可能的报复或纠缠都会归于平静。她思想能走的深度和广度无法想像，那里总有一方寂静的天地令她逃脱痛苦走向宽宏。

rent a room or buy a car?

started my new job 2 weeks ago and i'm suffer from waking up so early to take cab.

there are some friends ask me to buy a car, some ask me to rent a room near my working area.
i'm now still thinking.. should i rent a room there? or buy a car?

share your opinions please..

同学会

去年的今天，我成功地把好几位在KL的日新人　（尤其是我最爱的６Ａ２宝贝们啦！）　聚在PJ为宏和茵庆生。

不在什么高贵的地点，没有隆重的仪式，只是简单的晚餐聚会，在下着雨的晚上，感觉却很温馨。

多久，我差点放弃这里的日新人了，难得的一次，也是，唯一的一次吧，我想。
也许，是我变了，也许，我放弃的，不只是这里的日新人，而是，那些累人的邀约吧！
很讨厌那些一来一回的短信。讨厌那些没回短信的人，更讨厌那些会短信问些问题，可是当我回答完所有问题之后，没给答复直接不回短信的人。

曾经让我骄傲一时的A2同学会，没了，在一次又一次的失望后。
不要妄想我会想从前那样把短信传给班上的每一个人，就像我说的，往后，我只会把有关聚会的资料post在FB，看到的，看不到的，要来的，不来的，不理了。
现在在意的只是我那几个buddy，以及那几个常会出来的朋友而已 -- 盛, LC, Danny, 莹, EH, KL, Bpang,伟权, 秋颖, Kelvin, 湄茵, 奕南...

呵呵，其实，算算，也蛮不错了，至少农历新年前的那次还蛮成功的，除了些令我感到不舒服的几个短信外。
虽然如此，我还是坚持，只post FB，除了很少online的秋颖外，不会再广发短信了。

累了。

多希望有人organise一个gathering，然后邀我们，而不是次次都是我们那几个发起的。可是，我知道，很难。所以，算了，这个希望，只会带来一次次的失望。

allice tan

nite 05052011

a nite where i appear online for chatting after disappeared for some times..

chat with new colleague, ex-colleague a.k.a my sifu (as how my ex-manager said) and ex-supplier at the same time..

many things flashed in my mind..

i think insomnia will be with me whole nite..

allice tan

Tear on the phone

I've forgot when is the last time I cried in the phone.

A moment ago, received call from ghost. I forgot to ask what's the purpose he called me. The topic we chat was all about the unhealthy me.

Not as usual, I did not greet his mother, did not 'scold' him matter what he said. He could sense that I've totally out of energy.

By advice and by force, he want me to go to see a doctor. I know his care and concern, I really know my friends are worry about my stomachache. So do myself.

Not I don't want to check. I did go to sunway medical centre to do some tests. However, the outcome is 'the reports show everything normal', even the doctor also cannot tell me why or what's wrong.

I've phobia since then. I dare not go for second time. Especially I'm alone. I like to think a lot. I really scare that if what I think is really happen, I'll not know how I'm going to face. Although I've promised some people that I'll go to do another round of medical check-up. Sorry friends, I really have no gut to do it.

Ghost asked me to post the photo of receipt and medicine after I go to see doctor later, else he will come to kidnap me to go after he finish work. lol

When it came to almost the end of the conversation, I dunno what's wrong with me, dunno what's running in my brain, I felt that my eyes were hot, and then the tears dropped.

Luckily, he was going to hang up the phone.. Haha..

allice tan

SHOUT TEAM CNY reunion nite

it had been delayed to this week since last week as the organiser had to attend a wedding dinner. i planned not to go since i am getting of a package of sick since tuesday (sore throat, headache, running nose & fever) with FOC gastric on Friday.

Hazel called on Friday evening mentioned that the friend i invite is going too, how if i'm not attending, so, my finally decision after taking lots of medicine & supplements, i decided to attend & this is a no-regret-decision.

we had our dinner at Pantai Seafood Village 水上人家. i did not eat much because of no appetite. it had been some days i did not take so heavy food after sick. moreover, i really have a strong feeling of guilty when most of the dishes cook with the dead or body part of the dead.

oh ya! so surprise when ricky put the un.shell.ed-prawn on my plate! he really peeled off the shell for me! oh my god! so 'hang fuk'! especially joe also peeled some for me.. hehe..

some comments for the restaurant:
1. our reservation had not been recorded properly. although mailbox saw the person-in-charge Angie wrote on the book, they could not find our reservation. Luckily, there's still a table can fit all of us which is 14 pax.
2. the service is not really good, i.e. we had to ask for many many many times & wait for long long time only can get the things we want, i.e. glasses, folks & even rice.

after dinner, as planned, we went sanctuary for second round.

quite shock when saw jessy drink. as what know last time, she just drink when she feel very sad. on hazel's birthday party, she already made me shock, and this is the second time. she said that she got that kind of mood want to drink. i not sure what happen to her recently, but really hope that everything goes smooth for her.

i just recover from sick, but i drink as well. just like what jessy said, i got the mood to drink. i can enjoy to drink as there's friends i trust there, hazel & evan, jessy, mailbox, alvin,...

at the end, my plan failed. i actually told alvin that he has to send me back earlier. however, once i started to drink, i forgot all the things, lol..

i have a great night & always enjoy with you guys.
SHOUT TEAM, you are the best!!

allice tan

Thank you

was typing a long story about Friday night, but end up i deleted it.
yup, that's the night when i met someone at The Opera.

Thanks to Ghost who protect me from being disturbed by his wolf friends and safely sent me back to the roof top.
He knew that i met someone, and he did not say much, just accompanied me & did what he can do for me.

Thanks to Hazel who noticed something after i went back there but did not force me to tell anything.
i guess Evan told her what he heard when Ghost accompanied me go up to the 3rd floor. She asked me a question on Saturday when we were on our way to Klang meeting Evan & Alvin. She did not force me to tell anything when i used a question to answer her, 'Can i don't want to answer?'

Thanks Hazel, Evan & Alvin accompanied me the whole Saturday night singing K to let me release.
3 of them actually noticed the abnormal of me, but they just keep quiet & be at my side. i can really feel their care & concern. Really thanks them so much!

Mailbox, thank you as well.
The big brother, the one who came down to VIP area to 'bring me back' to roof top after Ghost sent me up & i disappeared again. He did not say much, just a simply sentence, "Don't watch anymore, it will only make you more sad".
Then, the next morning, as promised, he morning called me, fetch me to have my brunch & go office. He did not ask anything, just there to accompany me.

i'm really very lucky to have all these friends beside me. Thank you guys so much! really! i also don't know why i am so lucky to have you guys here! Buddha, Guan Yin, God, Jesus, Allah, thank you all so much for sending those friends for me. i really appreciate.

allice tan

The stupid

Being stupid again =.="'

I think I should not talk so much, but my brain can't control my heart and my mouth.
There's a quote in chinese, 'the clever uses mouth, and the stupid uses hand' means the clever person no need to do anything but just say it out and the stupid person will go to do the things.
They are the clever, and I'm the stupid. When they tell me how they are not satisfy, how they feel unfair or anything, they expect the stupid to bring out the issues, and always say will support me if I bring out. Not the first time, when the issues being bring out, I'm the only one who become the bad, those who said will support either disappear or choose to not say anything with the head facing down looking at own feet or table!!

Friends asked me why I'm so stupid, can't I just do my things and zip my mouth? There's just work, no need to put in my heart. So many times being hurt but still not yet learn the lesson?
Ya, I should learnt the lesson, but i always choose not to. I trust them as my friends, but I think they just treat me as colleague or one of the tools. Sad but it might be the truth.

Allice tan, wake up liao.. Don't be so naive.. Face the truth.. The world is cruel.. 

allice tan

change a life, change your own

Eldest sister supports world vision for some years. she never stop it even when she faced a critical financial problem
few years ago, i heard my dad said, if you got money, why not you give me, why so stupid to give others. (ok, my dad has changed now, i believe)

and me, i become a sponsor after 1 year i started my 1st job.
Some friends ask me, i have lots of debt to settle & most of the time i have negative income and have to 'borrow' from elder sister, why i still want to support this. In their mind, they feel that we should support, but not now. we can do all these after rich.

what is the definition of rich? what is the definition of poor?
am i poor? no! if compare with those pity kids, i feel that i am very lucky! i got food to eat, i can study, i can online, bla bla bla..
with RM50, i can survive for almost 1 week, but you know what, with RM50, not only a kid, but also the poor country.

i feel glad that there's a few friends of mine are the sponsors as well and we are not Christian. we believe that helping others is from heart, and no need to care on the religious and race.

gals & guys, do you know how lucky you are? (at least you still can read my post while the chance to study is limited for the kids there) So, please skip an expensive meal or alcohol drink or cigarette, or save your money by not buying unnecessary things, and use this RM50 to CHANGE A LIFE!

find out more info here by click on ME.
or click ME to download the form to sponsor.

if you think that sponsor a kid is a commitment that you cannot stand for too long,
you may just GIVE A GIFT.

allice tan

nightmarezzzz

i wonder..
if i will have 'sleep-phobia' or 'dream-phobia'?

have been suffer from nightmare since 'last year' >.<
i thought it will be ok after Intermark thing, but it's not! i still suffer from nightmare every night now! and it's getting more & more scaring!

someone asked me what i dreamt, maybe the dream is trying to give me some 'sign' or notification, but what i dreamt?

i can't or should say i dare not tell anyone what's in my dream. i can only keep it for myself. i scare it will happen in real if i speak out. i do really scare.

2 years ago, i dreamt something similar, and my 2009 is the worst year in my life! i really scare if 2011 is going to be similar with 2009, i don't want!

god, please, 2009 is the worst already, please peace my life..

allice tan

nightmare

am suffering from nightmare every night continuously for one whole week.

at first, i dreamt of the intermark. it was a nightmare about my work. i thought i was just too worry about the new outlet.

however, it is not. since thursday, it was no longer the intermark appeared in the nightmare. i tried to recall what is all those nightmare about, but i failed.

i know that i need more sleep, with a better quality sleep. else, my temper will not be good. but how?

can anyone tell me how to control dream? i dont want any dream when i am sleeping can?

 

allice tan